


Mandatory, Part 4.

by n0xx



Series: Mandatory [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attack, Break Up, Confessions, Distrust, Divorce, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fear, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Healer Lily Evans Potter, Healers, Healing, Healing Sex, Heartbreak, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Professors, Infidelity, Lust, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Passion, Post-Break Up, Power Dynamics, Power Play, Prostate Massage, Relationship Discussions, Rough Sex, Self-Defense, Semi-Public Sex, Showers, Smut, Spells & Enchantments, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Voyeurism, Waiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:01:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 11,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27159016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n0xx/pseuds/n0xx
Summary: Severus Snape is being ignored.
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape
Series: Mandatory [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1885567
Comments: 216
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

Severus Snape was being ignored. 

He hated being ignored. 

It had been two weeks since he'd last seen Lily. Two weeks since they'd last spoken. Considering how rapidly their relationship had developed until that point, two weeks felt like agony. The worst part was that Severus didn't know _why_ he was being ignored. When their time together at Hogwarts had concluded, the two made plans for their next date the following weekend. They'd determined that Severus visiting or sending owls to Lily would be dangerous, in the off chance James started to notice. 

So he didn't write. He just waited. 

And Lily didn't write. 

And she didn't show up. 

And two weeks passed. 

As Severus paced in front of his fireplace, silently hoping that Lily would appear with a story about how she'd spent the last two weeks finalizing her divorce, he felt a flurry of emotions. Anger was front and center. 

" _I'm empty without you_ " he muttered to himself, mocking Lily. If that was true, where was she? Was this a power move? Perhaps she was taking "being in control" very seriously and seeing how far she could push him. No, that would be fucked up. Maybe James had found out? That seemed unlikely. He was pretty daft.. and Lily was, apparently, very skilled at manipulating situations. 

The professor groaned as he strode to his writing desk and tore off a sheet of parchment. He was at his wits end when he finally jotted down a message for this owl to deliver: 

_To the office of Lily Potter, Healer:_

_Please schedule me for the soonest appointment available with Mrs. Potter. It is imperative that I be seen immediately._

He fabricated a lie about some urgent medical condition, signed his name, and sent it off. Then, he scribbled a note for his classroom door, explaining that his class would be cancelled the next day. It was late, but he hoped that Lily's receptionist would get him onto her schedule for the following morning.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a mere hour later when Severus' owl found its way back into his chambers with a note from Lily's office. 

_Mr. Snape,_

_Mrs. Potter has left for the day, but I've penciled you into her schedule at 9:30am tomorrow due to the emergency nature of your condition._

_Sincerely,_

_Elsie_

So Lily wouldn't know to expect him there until she arrived at work the next day and saw him on her schedule. In a way, that seemed to be the best possible outcome; she'd _have_ to face him. When he realized that he'd been seeing Lily again so soon, Severus felt a sudden wave of excitement and nervousness. His frustration with her dissipated, at least temporarily, and he shed his clothing before getting in bed for the night. 

As he lie in bed, he rolled over to press his face into the sheets, attempting to soak up any remnants of Lily's scent. He'd done that every night since she'd left, refusing to change his sheets, and he was certain there was no more of her left there. He sighed into the fabric frustratedly and closed his eyes, remembering the way she'd looked sprawled out on his sheets two weeks prior; wild, flushed, and well-fucked. The morning after, he'd awoken early just to watch her sleep. The sight had brought such a deep feeling of peace to his soul that he tried to remember it whenever he needed to relax. But now, thoughts of Lily were stirring up other feelings. 

"Not now," he groaned into his mattress, noting the increasing pressure of his erection against the bed. Though Severus Snape had previously masturbated on a regular basis, he hadn't since his last encounter with Lily. He knew nothing could compare and for some reason, he'd wanted to save that part of him for her. But right now, it didn't seem like a bad idea; after all, seeing her with such an immense amount of pent up sexual frustration could only put him at a disadvantage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't decide if it should be a magical masturbation scene with toys and stuff or just a good old wank in the shower?


	3. Chapter 3

_"Ugh, Lily,"_ Severus groaned as he stood in the shower, one soaped-up hand fisting his cock roughly. His forehead was pressed against the cool stone wall as scorching water beat down his back. It was late. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to rest without obsessing over the red-haired witch. Instead, all he could think about was the way she ran her hands through his hair while they made love. The sound of her laughter. The deep, emerald pools of her irises. As he played back their last encounter in his mind, he found himself practically fucking his hand. "Ah, God," he moaned, close to coming. 

But then, somehow, he snapped back to reality. She wasn't there. It had been _two weeks._ He _loved_ her and she knew it. This felt cruel. What had he done to deserve this abrupt abandonment? 

With that, Severus let go of himself and slammed his fist angrily into the shower wall. He grabbed the bar of soap again and scrubbed his body hastily, fighting back furious tears. 

The next morning, he arrived at Lily's office before even she had. Her receptionist showed him to an exam room, plopped a paper gown in his hands, and closed the door behind her when she left. 

"Mrs. Potter, your first appointment is in room 3." 

"I didn't think I had anyone this early today, Elsie." 

"Er, yes, Mr. Snape request an immediate appointment. He claims it's an emergency."


	4. Chapter 4

The chatter on the other side of the door ceased abruptly and Severus could just imagine the stare that Lily must've been giving her assistant. He listened closely and heard papers ruffling, probably his chart. 

_"Black Cat Plague?"_ Lily asked incredulously. Severus couldn't help but smirk. "Elsie, there's no such thing." 

But before Elsie could argue about how convincing Severus had been, the door swung open, and Lily was face to face with him. 

He had, of course, not changed into the paper gown. No, he simply sat on the exam table in his regular clothing, looking tired and like he had built his walls up very, very high. 

"Severus." 

"Lily."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there was a Black Cat Plague but it happened after this, as far as my timeline is concerned.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't planning to write so much angst... ah well.

"Black Cat Plague?" 

"Better than the truth, don't you think?" Severus asked sadly and ran a shaky hand through his hair. 

"And what's the truth, Mr. Snape?" Lily said, voice impassive. She seemed unfazed. 

Fuck, the formality stung. It was almost as if he was imagining their relationship. Was he crazy? It sure felt like it. "Y-you didn't show up," he finally choked out, hating that he wasn't as collected as she was. At this point, though, what did he have to lose by being honest? "I waited.. for _anything_. A note. A whisper. A sign. A scrap of attention. Then I show up here only to be called _Mr. Snape._ So, I guess "pathetic and heartbroken" is likely a more truthful diagnosis," he said bitterly. 

Lily said nothing. 

Severus stood, feeling angry. "Did I misread the situation?" 

"I don't know." 

"You don't know? So you do this to every patient then?" A sudden wave of nausea washed over him at the thought of Lily teaching other patients to fuck her. He knew that wasn't the truth, but he was blinded by his own insecurity. He rested a hand back on the exam table to steady himself. 

"No, of course not," Lily sighed, shaking her head. She was still tightly gripping the clipboard with his chart on it. As she shifted her hold to press the clipboard against her chest, Severus noted that she wasn't wearing her wedding band. Perhaps she'd forgotten it. 

"How can you be so cold?" 

"I got scared." 

A hateful laugh escaped Severus' mouth. If she had come to him with her fears, that would've been a different conversation. "Scared of _what,_ Lily? There's no one in this situation who is better off than you are." He fought back tears by reminding himself to be angry about his mistreatment. "You had m-me... your.. fuck toy, whatever you want to call me," he stammered frustratedly. "I told you I'd do anything for you." _Though "anything" does not involve tolerating emotional manipulation._ "And you still got to go back home to your normal life and your.. husband.. and your practice. What is there to be scared of?" 

"Severus..." 

"You know who should be afraid? Me. I bared it all to you, Lily. After all these years, I'd been _trying_ to move on. Then you showed up again and I let you take what you wanted." _My pride. My sanity. My virginity._ "No questions. Because that's how it's always been with you," Severus said plainly, as if it this was a well-known fact. "Tell me. When you got _scared,_ did you fall back into James' arms and try to forget me?"


	6. Chapter 6

"You told me I couldn't disappoint you because I.. love you. Do you remember? You didn't say it back," Severus told her seriously. He looked shattered despite his efforts to remain strong. He wondered for a moment what an outsider might think of this conversation. Could Elsie hear them? Was she thinking just how pathetic he was? "That was okay with me. It didn't change anything for me because you were _there._ I had you, for that short time. It was enough for me." 

Hell, this was probably the most he'd spoken in his whole life outside of his classroom. 

"But even if you don't love me, I deserve--" 

Lily had closed the gap between them and placed a soft hand on his forearm. "Sev.." 

" _Don't_ call me that," Severus choked out, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back. This was agony. "And don't touch me. Please. This wouldn't be the first time my body has betrayed me." _And you have enough power over me without that._

When Severus looked at her again, his eyes were damp and tired. This was not how he'd imagined their meeting going; he'd expected her to have missed him and been as ravenous for him as she was in the past. Her frigid demeanor made him feel empty and useless. So, not showing up to their date had been a break up. Was that it? "What are you scared of? What could I have possibly done to frighten you?" he choked out. "Did you run back to James the next day? Did you.. sleep with him? To forget what had happened with us." 

Lily's hand dropped to her side. "You don't understand," she said sadly. 

"You won't help me understand." 

"Not now. Not here." 

Rage burned in Severus' heart. Why not? This, here and now, had been the perfect place for far more intimate interactions. It seemed she was simply unwilling to explain herself. "Very well," he managed. When he walked past her and out of the exam room, he bumped into Elsie who was preparing a chart nearby. "Cured of the plague, Elsie. Mrs. Potter is truly a marvel of modern magic," he told her dryly. "Please send the bill to me at Hogwarts." 

He couldn't bear to be in the building any longer and grabbed his cloak as he hurried through the waiting room. It was cool outside. Fall. He threw the garment over his shoulders and left. 


	7. Chapter 7

As tempting as it was for Severus to go back to his chambers, finally jerk off, and then cancel his classes for the rest of the week to mope, he couldn't. If he so much as _tried_ to disappear for that long, Dumbledore would come check on him... and that man could see into his soul. It wasn't worth being found out. 

Instead, he went straight to his classroom when he arrived back at Hogwarts. Perhaps grading poorly written papers would take his mind off of Lily - after all, his students often sparked ample irriation within him and that could be a welcome distraction at this point. He paused at the heavy dungeon door to this class, reading over the note he had left his students that day. When he'd written it, he was sure he'd come back in good spirits. What a joke that was. He tore it down, crumpling it between his long fingers, then tossed it into the trash on his way in. 

Hours later found him thoroughly annoyed, but most of the way through his grading. Then, a soft knock sounded at the classroom entrance.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter then accidentally deleted it and almost gave up on this series altogether.

Assuming that a student was knocking on his door, Severus waved his hand toward it and it creaked open. "There will be no office hours this evening," he stated without looking up from the poorly written paper in his hands. "You may return tomorrow." 

"Perhaps you could make an exception?" 

"That depends, Mrs. Potter, on the reason for your visit," Severus replied, still not looking up. He forced himself to finish skimming the page and when he set it down, he was surprised to see Lily standing mere feet from his desk. How she'd crossed the length of his rather large classroom so quickly, he wasn't sure. But he hoped she'd keep her distance. 

"Why are you calling me that? I thought James didn't exist here." 

"It's your name," he said dryly, much like Lily had in her office several visits ago. A chill ran through his body at the memory. "Besides, that was foolish. We both know he exists anywhere you do, _especially_ at Hogwarts." 

The red-haired witch absentmindedly ran a slender hand over the wooden top of one of students tables. She looked as though she was remembering something. 

"Lily. What do you want?" It felt good to see her here, in his classroom, where he was always in charge. No one questioned him there. It almost felt like he could stand up to her. 

"To explain," she replied simply, taking a seat at a desk in the first row. "And talk." 

"Two weeks. You vanished for two weeks after.. what happened between us," Severus said, the hurt still obvious in his voice. "I thought I did things right. I thought I'd made you happy that night.. and the morning after." 

"You did, Sev..." 

His heart ached at that nickname. He gripped his quill so hard he thought it might break. "But it wasn't enough." 

"It was too much," Lily admitted sadly, rubbing her naked ring finger with the other fingers on that hand. "It made me realize that I'd never felt that way before." 

"Which way?" 

Lily was silent for a moment, then she looked up at the wizard, gaze shy. "You already know," she breathed finally, sounding slightly embarrassed. 

"You're joking," Severus sneered, suddenly feeling defensive. Was she playing a trick on him? This didn't seem right or real. It couldn't be true. "You're in love with me," he choked out finally. "But you left. You vanished. That's not love." 

"I'm married. That's not just something I can snap my fingers and be free of," Lily told him firmly, obviously hurt by his reaction. 

"You're behaving as if _I_ came onto _you,_ " Severus responded bitterly. "Don't forget I was fine in my misery before you decided to... I don't know, show up. I was getting over you." He took a moment to calm himself, then, annoyed, managed to say, "Fine. So you left.." 

"I left. I thought that I could go back to normal life after being with you. That I could have everything. But being away from you only highlighted how much had been missing," the redhead confessed, now looking down at the desk where she was tracing her fingers over each notch and slice in the wood. Many a student had chopped up potions ingredients on this surface. Perhaps even her, at some point. "I thought maybe, if I tried hard enough, I could make things better in the rest of my life." 

For a moment, there was silence. Severus' mind wandered to what 'trying hard enough' with James might look like. He felt nauseated at the thought of her wearing that same lingerie for the other man. 

"It didn't work. I told you, I'm empty without you. It seemed my only other option was to forget about what happened between us.. then maybe we could go back to being old schoolmates. Nothing more." 

"You want that." 

"It would certainly be easier," she half smiled. "But no..." 

"You could've fooled me with the way you acted today." Severus crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair frustratedly. 

"I was still trying to convince myself that I was making the right decision up until the moment you left my office." 

"And now what do you want, Lily?' 

"You." 

Severus shook his head tiredly. "I thought I was willing to take whatever you'd give me, even if that meant that you'd go back to your husband afterwards. I thought that was enough," he sighed. His arms slid free and he sat upright again, then leaned forward and rested his forearms against the desk. "But it isn't... a-and," he stammered, suddenly losing charge of his classroom, "and I could never ask you to chose me over your husband." _So I think this is goodbye._

"Sev.." 

"Lily." 

"You don't have to ask. It's an easy choice to make."


	9. Chapter 9

There was silence between them for what felt like ages and when Severus finally spoke, it was a challenge for him to keep his voice steady. "I want _so badly_ to believe that, Lily, but our most recent history suggests that would be an unintelligent move on my part." He felt cruel hinting that he couldn't trust her, but it was true. What if she vanished again? What if he let her in now only to have her change her mind later? He didn't know if he could stand seeing her run back to Potter _again._ At the same time, he tried desperately to understand the challenges that came with leaving a marriage, even if it was a loveless one. Would James beg her to stay? Could he convince her? Severus' stomach turned at the thought. 

"I know, Sev. I'm sorry." 

"You could have come to me with all of this at any point," he told her softly, "we could've talked through it." 

"Maybe I should have," Lily nodded. "But ultimately this isn't something you can help me with." She stood from her spot at the desk and approached the professor's desk, giving him enough time to stop her if he wanted. When he didn't, she circled around to his chair and gracefully planted herself in his lap. 

Having Lily so close to him again made Severus' heart race. He pressed his face into her shoulder, then asked, selfishly, "How long this time?" 

"I don't know." The witch leaned down to stroke his hair softly. "But.. can I stay with you tonight?'


	10. Chapter 10

"You don't have to say anything," Lily continued after a brief pause. "I already know the answer." It was only fair that she didn't spend the night with him, knowing that eventually she would have to leave and go back the home she shared with James.. even if it _was_ to leave him. It was such a lonely task, but it had to be done. 

"I'm sorry," Severus murmured, lifting his head and turning so that her hand was on his cheek. He placed one of his hands over hers and sighed. Despite the circumstances and his uneasiness towards them, he still wanted her. It seemed that would never change. But he couldn't let her stay. 

Before he could say anything further, Lily had pressed her lips against his. Rational thought seemed to leave him in a hurry. He groaned against Lily's lips and kissed her back deeply, every moment of missing her evident in his enthusiasm. He was so caught up in the kiss that he hardly noticed Lily unbuttoning his pants. When her smooth, slender hand wrapped around his cock, he gasped against her lips. "Lily, we shouldn't--" 

"Please," she breathed, sliding from her spot on his lap down to the floor, where she perched herself on her knees. "Let me.. you don't need to do anything," she murmured, pulling his pants and boxers down further so that she could access him fully. "Just let me.." 

Severus' body betrayed him and he lifted his hips so that the garments could be moved. His cock throbbed in her skillful hand and his balls, heavy with two weeks of denied orgasms, ached. "Maybe we should... ughhh, wait," he groaned as Lily slipped him into her mouth. "Ah, fuck.." The plush heat of her mouth unraveled him and his head tipped back in pleasure. He moaned loudly, not considering the fact that the door to his classroom was still open and though students would be in bed at that time, there might be other people wandering the halls.


	11. Chapter 11

Without thinking, Severus reached down to tangle his fingers in the witch's fiery locks, loving the way she slid him all the way to the back of her throat. "Gods," he groaned. What a sight they must have been, with Severus splayed out in the chair he sat in between lectures, surveying his student to ensure they were complying with his directions. His desk was so large that Lily would've been effectively hidden from anyone on the other side of it.

And it was a good thing, too, because Headmaster Dumbledore stepped into the classroom only a moment later. "Ah, Severus, glad to see you back in your classroom."

Severus nearly choked, abruptly sitting upright in his seat.

Lily, however, knew exactly how well she was hidden. She pulled off of him only to press a finger to her lips and look up at him, instructing him to be quiet about her presence. 

"Y-yes, headmaster. As am I," he managed, looking nervously from Lily to the older wizard. 

Dumbledore, who was absentmindedly looking around the classroom and had found his way to one of the bookshelves against the wall, hadn't seemed to noticed his professor's flustered state. "Is everything alright?" he wondered aloud, pulling a textbook from the shelf and thumbing through it. "It's unlike you to cancel on such short notice."

Meanwhile, Lily had resumed her licking... and she was merciless. She worked his cock expertly, stroking it while sucking deeply, then pulling off occasionally to run her tongue up its length and swirl it around the thick, engorged head. She let out the smallest "mmm" of approval when she noticed Severus tightly gripping the edge of his desk. His other hand still fisted her wild locks. 

_Is she trying to punish me? Or just get me fired?_ the dark haired wizard thought as he struggled to find a response to his boss' question. "A bit... er, under the weather, headmaster." 

Then, Lily moved one of her fingers, which was wet from her stroking and spit, and slipped it behind his balls. She gently massaged the spot between his sac and arse before nudging the finger further and slipping it inside of him. 

_"Better now, though,"_ Severus choked out. 

Thankfully, Dumbledore took the short responses (which were fairly standard for Severus) as a hint that he wasn't interested in conversation (he rarely was). "Wonderful," he told him, replacing the book on its shelf. Before turning to leave, he told the professor, "Your students will be pleased to see their professor tomorrow." 

Once he left the room, the doors closed behind him and a low growl escaped Severus' parted lips. "In my own classroom, Evans?" he admonished, tone dangerous. He'd never used that voice with her, but something about the idea of being in charge with her felt forbidden and delicious. 

"Mmm, yes," Lily purred, continuing the lethal combination of stroking his cock while she swept his prostate with her expertly buried finger. "I can't help it." 

As Severus panted, savoring every one of Lily's touches, he felt his climax building rapidly within him. For a brief moment, panic swept through him. _Once you come, she's going to leave. Who knows when.. or if she'll come back?_ But Lily must've sensed his hesitation because he slipped him back into her mouth, hollowing her cheeks as she sucked him deeply. Severus bit his lip and let his head fall back again. "It's too good," he groaned, using his hold on Lily's hair to deliver a few desperate thrusts into her mouth before coming hard. 

The witch responded by hungrily swallowing each drop, moaning her appreciation as his cock throbbed between her lips. Once he was spent, she tucked him back into his pants and zipped them without a word. Then she straddled his waist and pressed her lips to his for one last kiss. She tasted like him and Severus couldn't help but think that felt _right._ "I'll see you soon," she told him sweetly. When he finally eased his eyes open, she was gone. He stared at the ceiling of his classroom for longer than he would have liked to admit, then rested his head on his desk and cried.


	12. Chapter 12

Time passed at an agonizingly slow pace. It was harder to wait this time because he didn't even have the promise of a return date to look forward to; even though Lily hadn't shown up last time, the idea of seeing her for another evening together had kept him going for part of their time apart. 

After 3 days, he found that getting out of bed was nearly impossible. He stayed awake at night, trying to determine the odds of her coming back versus just vanishing on him. There were some sleepless moments where we certain he'd imagined all of their interactions. Eventually, he gave in and brewed a sleeping potion that let him rest without dreaming of Lily. 

It helped. 

When he woke, he felt slightly less devastated. If she never came back, he could be okay... he had been okay before she popped back into his life again. Not great. But okay. 

As he dressed himself on the fourth day without Lily, he sighed at his reflection in the mirror. It was hard to believe that she (or anyone, for that matter) could love him. Well, she hadn't actually said it. Maybe it was all just wishful thinking on his part... but the idea that Lily Evans loved _him_ made his heart soar whenever he took a moment to entertain it. 

Day 7 was the hardest. A week. As he sat at his desk, watching his students poorly attempt to produce Amortentia, his mind abused him with intrusive thoughts. All he could see was Potter fucking Lily. He tried desperately to shake the thoughts from his head until he realized it was useless. 

"Gordon!" Severus boomed, singling out a sixth-year Hufflepuff who looked to be putting the final touches on his potion. 

"Professor?' 

"Bring it here. Let's see how you've done." 

The young man complied, ladling a small vial of the liquid from his cauldron and carrying it up to the professor's desk. The rest of the class watched quietly. 

First, Severus inspected the liquid. It looked right: a mother-of-pearl sheen and swirling steam still rising from the vial. He should have known better, though, than to put it to his nose and inhale.. for Severus Snape, Amortentia smelled floral, like Lily's shampoo... sterile, like the exam room of a healer's office.. and like the raw, fresh picked cherry scent of pinot noir. His head spun. 

"Professor?" 

"Fine," he managed. "I'll keep this as a sample for the next class. 10 points to Hufflepuff." With that, he capped and pocketed the potion.


	13. Chapter 13

It was on day 11 that Severus looked up from his chalkboard to see a flash of red hair at the back of his classroom. For a moment, he wasn't sure if he should believe his eyes. He was so shocked, in fact, that he'd stopped talking mid-lecture. But there she was, Lily Evans. In the flesh. She looked tired, maybe, but as beautiful as ever. He could see the sparkle in her bright eyes from where he stood. Quietly, she sat down at an empty desk near the back of the room and gestured for him to continue. 

One student raised her hand. "Professor?" 

"Er.. yes. I believe that's enough on werewolves for one day," he muttered, setting his chalk down hastily. "Class dismissed." Professor Snape _never_ let his class go early. Today was obviously an exception. 

As the class filed out, Severus tried desperately not to stare at the witch by the door. He wiped down his chalkboard nervously and the second the last student left the room, he stepped down from the platform and walked briskly towards Lily. When he noticed that she was carrying a small suitcase, he breathed an internal sigh of relief. 

"Told you I'd see you soon, Sev," she told him sweetly. 

He only managed a breathy "not soon enough" before pulling her into his arms and kissing her deeply.


	14. Chapter 14

When their kiss finally broke (too soon for Severus' liking) the wizard cupped Lily's face in his slender hands and looked her over. She _looked_ alright, maybe a bit tired... but it would have been inhuman of him to ignore the fact that she'd just gone through a potentially traumatizing ordeal with James... she _had_ gone through with it, right? "Are you alright?" he asked softly, genuine concern rippling through his voice. He moved his hands to her shoulders and squeezed them gently. "Was it-- did he--" Severus struggled to find the right words; in truth, he didn't want to know exactly how it had gone, but he wanted to be there for her. "Should we talk? What do you need?" 

Lily smiled a little and shook her head, "Not right now." She gestured to her small suitcase, which she'd dropped on the floor in their passionate kiss, and asked shyly, "Could I stay with you? James left the house, but he could come back and, well, I don't want to intrude--" 

"Stay." 

"Should we tell Dumbledore?" 

"I'm certain he already knows," Severus commented, unsure of how Dumbledore seemed to know _everything._ His dark eyes searched Lily's face again as they stood there and without thinking, he said, more confidently than he'd said most things to Lily, "I love you."


	15. Chapter 15

Lily's shapely lips were parted, just about to speak, when another familiar voice hit Severus' ears instead. 

"Ah, Mrs. Potter!" Dumbledore said warmly, entering the potions classroom.

Severus sighed, then gave Lily a 'told you' sort of look and released her shoulders. He then stepped back and put some distance between the two of them even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. He wasn't sure _why_ exactly he felt the need to do that; it was likely that Dumbledore, one way or another, already knew many of the details of their situation. Though considering the way he'd greeted Lily, maybe he didn't know everything. Or maybe Severus didn't. For a moment, his mind spiraled away down the path of destructive thought where Lily was still leading him on and she hadn't left James. Thankfully, the red-haired witch's voice snapped him out of his daze.

"Headmaster," she said politely with a soft smile. "It's so nice to see you." 

"Yes," the white-haired wizard agreed, clasping one of her hands in both of his. "I wish it was under better circumstances," he said knowingly. Severus wondered for a moment if he was the only one who viewed the situation as _ideal_ circumstances, though it made sense that the average person would mourn the end of a marriage, no matter how volatile or empty. This _was_ the end of their marriage, right? "But you are always welcome here at Hogwarts. I believe we have some vacant professors' chambers, if you need a place to stay." 

Severus cleared his throat.

"Though it appears you've already solidified your housing arrangements," Dumbledore nodded, releasing her hand and glancing briefly at the other man. "I simply came by to say hello. You know where to find me if I can assist you in any way." 

The headmaster could not have left the room quickly enough; Severus ached to be alone with Lily and it seemed there was a never-ending list of obstacles for them to overcome first. When the heavy classroom door thudded shut once more, he looked to Lily again. What was she about to say before they'd been interrupted? He glanced nervously at the clock and realization washed over him. "I have two more classes to teach," he said sadly, knowing that cancelling them wasn't an option, especially when Dumbledore would know exactly why. 

"I'll stay," Lily told him, determined to plant herself in the back of the classroom until he was done.

"You should relax," he told her softly, taking her hand and sweeping his thumb over her knuckles. "Go back to my room. Eat. Sleep. Whatever you need. Besides, I don't think you want to see me teach. I've been told I'm.. _high-handed._ " And that was putting it gently.

Lily nodded, submitting to her own exhaustion, but not before winking at him. "I'll have to see this high-handed Professor Snape sometime." Then she kissed him softly on the lips, turned and left just in time for students to begin filing in.


	16. Chapter 16

"Lily?" Severus asked softly as he waved his wand at the entrance to his chambers several hours later. Floating behind him were several covered plates of food; he'd snuck some meals from the Great Hall's kitchen during their preparation for dinner. When there was no response, he entered and half expected Lily to be gone, but instead found her in his bed. She was asleep and much to his surprise, had showered and changed into one of his shirts. The sight of her damp hair and long legs curled up warmly in his bed made him smile.. selfishly, he couldn't help but think that this felt _right._

After setting down their food and shedding his robes so that he was just in a shirt, slacks, and shoes, he sat at the edge of the bed and reached a gentle hand out to stroke her cheek. 

"Mm, Sev..." Lily mumbled, sleepily opening her eyes. 

"Are you hungry? You can sleep more, but I thought you might need to eat." 

Eventually they sat and ate together again. Severus felt complete as he watched Lily eat rosemary chicken thighs and ginger sweet potato mash. This was the opposite of their last dinner together where every bite had been punctuated by anticipation and lust; here, comfort and healing were the underlying tones. He didn't pry, but eventually their conversation led them to James. 

"He was angry," Lily mused between bites, looking at her fork. She sat with her bare legs crossed at the dining table. 

"That you... were leaving him?" Severus asked cautiously, trying to confirm what had actually happened. Maybe it had just been a fight. Up until that point, he really hadn't known. When Lily nodded, he asked, "Did you tell him why?" 

"I told him I'm not happy.. that I haven't been for a long time," she admitted. "That I agreed to marry him because it felt like the right thing to do, but not because I'm in love with him." 

_Ouch._

"I do love him," she continued. 

_Double ouch._

"I'll always care for him. But that isn't enough," she said softly, poking her fork into another piece of chicken. "It takes more than that to make a relationship work. I told him it wasn't fair of me to keep him tied up when someone out there could love him more fully and be better for him." 

All this talk of what would best suit James made Severus queasy and he set his fork down as gently as he could so as not to interrupt Lily's sharing. He wanted to hear it, he did... but it was painful. After all, they were talking about the man who had made his school life hell _and_ stolen the woman of his dreams. Here she was lamenting that she'd hurt his feelings. Yikes.

The sound of metal touching Severus' plate seemed to snap Lily from her monologue. 

Severus swallowed thickly, then tried to ask, "Did you tell him about...?" 

"I told James there was someone else," Lily said honestly, locking eyes with him. "But I didn't say it was you." 

A deep sigh escaped the wizard's nostrils before he could thing to modulate his response. That was a heavy blow. Before he could spiral down a road of self-doubt, Lily cut him off, "Sev, please don't." 

"No, it's... that's alright." 

"It has nothing to do with how I feel about you." 

"Sure." 

"Sev," Lily sighed. "James' behavior can be.. _volatile._ He knows where you work, where you live. If he had any reason to think you were the cause for our marriage ending, he'd come here. He'd find you. He'd find me." 

Suddenly, concern coursed through Severus' body. "Did he hurt you?" he asked seriously, his tone dangerous. When she didn't answer automatically, he growled, _"Lily.."_

"N-no," she murmured finally, setting her own fork down. "But he can be vicious, Sev. You know that. I wouldn't it put it past him to stew on this and.. explode." 

Severus flip-flopped between wishing Lily had told James the truth and being glad that she hadn't. On one hand, he could defend himself _and_ her. If James came to Hogwarts, it would be no contest; Severus was equally skilled in magic, if not moreso in some areas than James. Besides, he wanted James to know that he was the person for Lily. The fact that she hadn't told him made Severus wonder if she was ashamed, regardless of her rationale. Was she ashamed? Perhaps he couldn't blame her. On the other hand, however, Lily's safety had to be his top priority. She would be safe here, especially if James didn't know to look for her. Would she be safe at her practice? He shuddered. 

"Sev," Lily breathed, obviously being cautious with her wording. "Please don't overthink this. My not telling him has _nothing_ to do with how I feel for you.. you know that. You know that I--" 

Severus held up a hand to stop her. "I want to hear it," he said honestly. "But not because you're pitying me. Say it when it's right." He flicked his wand at their plates and they moved from the table, then were replaced by dessert: caramel apple pie. "Besides, how selfish of me to require consolation when you're hurting," he said seriously. "Let me focus on you, please. Eat."


	17. Chapter 17

The rest of their meal and conversation somehow went by without mention of James. It was probably for the best because Severus was certain he could only take small doses of James talk at a time. He wasn't sure if Lily was just dying to get it all out, but her mood seemed to lighten with the topic change as well, so he figured it was okay for now. It was fall, so the sun set early and consequently, students seemed to retire to their dorms earlier than usual. It seemed like the perfect time to go for a walk; after all, Hogwarts professors' quarters were only so big. 

Bundled up in heavier-than-usual robes, the pair exited the castle and made their way around the lake. While Severus would've been happy to volunteer any article of his clothing, he was pleased to find that Lily had enchanted her suitcase with an Extension Charm and it held quite a bit more than it let on. 

"Why have you stayed here all this time?" Lily asked curiously, looking up at the wizard as they walked. Her nose was pink from the crisp fall air.

Slightly surprised, it took Severus a moment to answer. "Besides the obvious?" Lily knew that Severus didn't really have anywhere else to go; he wasn't in contact with his family and he had never dated, so living with or moving to an area with other people he knew was out of the question. "Some of my best memories happened here at Hogwarts," he told her honestly. He left out the fact that many of his worst memories had also happened there. "The others happened during summers with you as a child, but you know already knew that." 

Lily said nothing, just smiled. After a moment, she reached over to lace her fingers with his. Severus' breath hitched in his throat for a moment, as if this was the first physical contact they'd ever had; he wondered if it would always be this exciting to be around her. When he was suddenly reminded of the absence of a wedding ring on Lily's hand, he blurted out, "I'm going to ask you one day." He didn't look at her as they kept walking.

"Ask me what, Sev?"

"To marry me... when you're ready... and if you're never ready to marry someone again, I'll find another way to show you how devoted I am to you." 

The rest of the evening passed in soft, quiet, peace. They bathed together and lied in bed together, Lily resting her head on Severus' chest. They didn't fuck, they didn't make love. It all felt too delicate and it was clear there would be a lot of healing before either of them felt like they were ready to move forward. Hell, it didn't even feel like they'd broken the surface of all the wounds that needed healing between them.

When morning came and Severus woke to Lily getting dressed for work, he panicked. He asked her to stay in every different way he could think of; it just wasn't safe for her to leave when things were so recent between her and James. Just the idea of her being in her office with no one other than Elsie to keep an eye on things was concerning. When she repeatedly insisted that she would be fine, Severus demanded a time to expect her by. It felt aggressive and invasive and controlling (things he would never want to be with Lily), but necessary. 

And when she didn't show up at 5pm, he panicked. He waited 15 minutes before stepping into the fireplace and making his way to her office.


	18. Chapter 18

When Severus arrived outside of Lily's office, the sign that said _Lily Potter, Healer_ was clattering loudly as wind blew past it. He pulled his cloak up higher around his neck and tried the front door. Locked. Not a big deal for magical folk, obviously, but before attempting to unlock it or mess with any charms that had been placed on the building for safety, he peered in through the glass door. The lights in the waiting area were out, but he could see past the receptionist desk that a light was on in the back of the office. Perhaps Lily was just working late? But she had given him her word about returning by five; they'd made a promise. After the past day's events, it seemed unlikely that she would break that promise just to do some extra paperwork. And where was Elsie? 

Foolishly, he tried the door once more, hoping that he wouldn't have to break his way in. 

But as he leaned against the entryway, he heard a male voice shouting from somewhere in the building. _James._


	19. Chapter 19

The sound of James' voice was enough to cause Severus to whip out his wand and unlock the door. It took a few tries thanks to some clever magic on Lily's part, but eventually the door unlocked with a sharp click. Thankfully, the sound of the wind outside masked any noise he'd made and Severus was able to slip inside, shutting the door quickly behind him. His heart thudded in his ears as he stood in the waiting room, listening. 

Knowing that Lily would be furious with him for intervening, he told himself to wait and only step in if it seemed like she was in trouble. He kept his wand drawn and at his side. 

James' voice was low enough now that the other wizard could barely make it out from across the office. "You're s'posd to be with me, Lil. Forever," he murmured, his words slurring together. Ugh, was he _drunk_? 

"James, you're not thinking clearly," came Lily's voice. She sounded strong and confident which made Severus wonder if she dealt with this often. "It's better this way." 

Suddenly, James' volume increased. "We're _meant_ to be together! Who is this other guy? What can he give you that I can't?" he pleaded frantically, still stumbling through each sentences. 

"It's not--" 

"You're forgetting," James continued. "Lemme remind you what it's like with me, Lily." 

"Don't touch me!" This time, she sounded scared. 

Before James could make another move, Severus had burst through the door in the waiting room, his wand pointed and ready. He wanted to hex the other man straight to hell, but tried to control himself instead. "Leave her alone, Potter," he growled. 

"Sev, don't!" 

James snorted when he saw the other wizard, "Hey, Snivelly." But once the nickname registered in his mind, his eyes widened. He looked from Lily to the other wizard and back again. "Him?" he spat hatefully, suddenly seething. "You're leaving me for _him_? You're _fucking a Death Eater?"_


	20. Chapter 20

It was difficult for Severus to stifle his reaction to that accusation; they hadn't discussed that topic yet. Would Lily believe James? More importantly, how would she react when she realized he was telling the truth? The taller wizard gritted his teeth, not lowering his wand from its ready position. "I said leave her alone, Potter. Back off," he repeated dangerously, refusing to acknowledge his last statement. Perhaps he was avoiding it altogether, but James was still uncomfortably close to his prey. Hell, what would've happened if Severus hadn't shown up? He shuddered internally at the thought of James' intentions; he could only imagine what 'reminding her' would've looked like. 

"He's not a Death Eater," Lily stated suddenly, but the doubt in her voice was obvious. She stared straight ahead at James almost as if she was avoiding Severus' gaze. When this was over, they'd have a lot to discuss. 

James laughed a cold, heartless laugh. "I may be drunk," he said bitterly. "But I'm not a liar. Ask himself yourself, Lily. How did you not know?" He reaked of Firewhiskey; Severus could smell it from across the room. 

"That's _enough_ ," Severus snapped. 

"What're you going to do, _Sev?_ Torture me like you torture innocent people... with your _friends_?" James taunted, not moving any further from Lily. 

When the witch finally looked over at him, the pain in her eyes was evident. Nevertheless, she glanced back at James and told him sadly, "You need to leave." 

"Fine," James growled, obviously pleased with the disruption he'd caused; at least Severus could feel some of his pain. "But I'll be back for you, Lily. We took vows. This isn't over." 

When he disapparated on the spot, Lily marched over to the other wizard, grabbed his wrist and yanked up his sleeve. The intricate snake-and-skull shaped scar was clear as day. "H-how.. how did I miss this?" She looked up at him, her emerald eyes filled with hurt. 

"I suppose it's easy to gloss over in the throes of passion." 

"You leave, too. Get out."


	21. Chapter 21

"At the risk of sounding like your ex-husband: no." For the first time in their relationship, Severus Snape looked angry with her. "You don't get to send me away right now. Don't want me to touch you? Fine," he said bitterly, putting his wand into his robes and raising his hands in surrender. He took a step away from her. "Maybe you don't want to stay with me anymore. Fine. But you _will_ hear me out. Not everything is so black and white." 

"Everything's black and white when you're a Death Eater, Sev!" Lily told him in exasperation. Tears welled in her eyes. She scrubbed her face with her fingers, then folded her arms protectively across her chest. 

Ssverus' voice was low and dangerous, but in reality he was just hurt.. and tired of being hurt. "Don't call me that when you're trying to toss me out." 

"Why shouldn't I toss you out when we clearly have some major _fundamental differences_? For example, oh, I don't know... you literally _work for Voldemort!_ " Lily was yelling now. 

"I'm not... ugh!" Severus threw his hands in the air angrily, forcing himself to walk away from the witch for a moment. "Why am I defending myself? I haven't done anything wrong!" When he turned to look at her again, he realized that what he was feeling was inadequacy. Betrayal. "Your default has always been to side with James and to question me. Even now! What happened to loving me? Don't I get the benefit of the doubt sometimes? Ever?" He was fuming. "Or do you suddenly not love me anymore because some things lack clarity? Does any part of you even _care_ to gather more information or were you just content to be done with me on a whim?" 

Lily stood wide-eyed, frozen in her place. 

"It hurts to see me lash out, doesn't it?" Severus commented, breathing heavily. "Because I've only ever been understanding with you, even when you abuse me." When she didn't answer, he stood his ground by saying, "Not today, Lily."


	22. Chapter 22

They stood in silence for what seemed like eternity, the newness of their juxtaposition surprising both of them. Oh, hell, was he actually standing up to Lily? His chest ached. Would this end their relationship? It had been so brief, but so tumultuous... he was used to that with her. 

"Sev, I... _why?_ Why would you become a Death Eater?" 

Severus shook his head rapidly in irritation. That was too little, too late. "No, you missed your chance for questions. Maybe later," he sneered. She was still acting like this was a simple situation when, in fact, it was so multi-faceted. How could she gloss over his comments about James? It felt like she was truly oblivious to the pain she'd caused him over the years. "Why did you pick him, Lily?" he choked out finally, pain seeping through his pissed off exterior. This was agony. "He's a _bully._ " 

Lily's voice was small. "It felt like... the right thing to do. Like I was supposed to." 

"Why?" Severus gaped. That was not a good excuse. "Because he's rich? Handsome? Was that enough to outweigh the fact that he _tormented_ your best friend?" He remembered thinking that Lily picking literally _anyone_ other than one of the Marauders would have been less painful. 

"I didn't--" 

"You _knew_ ," Severus interrupted, fighting to hold back tears. "You saw at least some of it. Don't tell me he didn't brag to you about the rest. Maybe you defended me from time to time--" _you didn't have to_ "--but in the end you ran to him. You married him, Lily. And we fell apart until it struck you to come muddle any healing I'd done. Maybe because you realized your mistake.. but it was still a mistake you made. Why? Why did you pick him?" he asked again. "Even now!" he exploded again, bitter and furious. "Even when you're sleeping in my bed, a-and _fucking me_ , you take his word before even hearing mine!" 

The wizard realized he'd hardly given Lily a chance to speak. He didn't know that he was actually interested in her excuses; more than anything, he wanted her to listen to him for once. To truly hear him. 

"Gods," Severus laughed hatefully. "What if you'd had _a child_ with him? Could you imagine sending that kid into my classroom one day?" He felt sick. Bile rose in his throat. 

"Sev--" 

"Don't." 

"Severus. W-we drifted apart. You were headed down a... different path," Lily admitted, finding it ironic that the path in question still hadn't been touched on. Why... how was he a Death Eater? She rubbed her face frustratedly, then re-crossed her arms. "And when we drifted apart, James was there. It just happened." 

"If you'd stayed, you would know that _our friendship_ is the reason I _didn't_ head down that path," he told her honestly, wondering what lies James had fed her. 

"But..." 

"You're still wondering why. You want to know why I'm a Death Eater.. how I could make such a horrific choice and still defend myself?" 

"Yes." 

"I haven't been for long," Severus sighed, running a hand hastily through his hair. The Dark Mark was new enough that it still ached sometimes. "I declined repeatedly when we were in school. I couldn't stand the idea of hurting.. someone like you." He felt angry that he was about to share these details and consequently put everyone at greater risk, but what choice was she leaving him? "But.. Dumbledore. He asked me." 

Lily looked shocked and horrified. "You're a spy."


	23. Chapter 23

"Tell me," Severus breathed, taking in Lily's shock. "Where would we be right now if you had just asked me instead of accusing?" He glanced at the clock on the wall and realized that much of their evening had been absorbed by this argument. At the beginning of the day, he had expected to be somewhere else entirely by that time: somewhere safe, understanding, distracting. Delving deep into their history hadn't been part of his plan... confronting James definitely wasn't. "And do you understand why I hadn't told you yet?" 

Lily nodded sadly, wrapping her arms around herself. She looked on the verge of tears. 

"When could I have possibly told you, Lily? There were so many times I wasn't sure you'd come back to me... how could I give you that knowledge and put you in danger?" Anger left Severus' voice as quickly as it had come on. He wanted to reach out to her, to hold her and kiss her, but the hurt of her accusations cut deep. What if she continued to trust her ex-husband's judgement over his? How could they possibly function together? 

Meanwhile, the red-haired witch seemed to still be processing their conversation. "He hurt you. _I_ hurt you. You've done nothing but right by me."

"I'm not entirely faultless," Severus noted, a small smile crossing his thin lips. "I wouldn't call encouraging an affair 'right by you.'" Suddenly, he was serious again. "And I know that I was cruel as a child. I didn't know any better, but that's not an excuse. James, though," he sighed. "He hasn't changed. He's still the same. Don't you see that? It's _funny_ ," Severus lied, "that he'd accuse me of torture given our history." 

He shook his head as if to erase his wandering thoughts and sighed. "Lily, you don't owe me anything. If there was anyone else out there who made you happy, _anyone_... I would understand." Just not James.


	24. Chapter 24

"Sev, there isn't anyone else. I'm not leaving." 

Desperate to hang on to some of his newfound assertiveness, the wizard managed to stifle his sigh of relief. He couldn't seem desperate right now; it left him too vulnerable. 

"But I do owe you a great deal," she admitted, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She looked small. Ashamed. It took substantial effort to meet Severus' gaze. "Part of that is hearing you out... and knowing you beyond whatever _this_ has been between us. It's been so dominated by _my_ issues and selfishness," she said softly, reflecting on the events on the past few weeks with embarrassment. "I don't know what you went through, what happened to you while we were apart. Will you tell me?" 

Severus had to look away as she spoke. All this time he'd been desperate for any scraps she was willing to throw his way: a little time here or there, odd medical exams, great (at least for him) sex that left him feeling hollow and used after the fact, _promises_ of love... but this seemed genuine, somehow. She wanted to know more. She didn't want to "resolve" this with sex and then disappear. It would be hard for Lily to hear the truth, he knew that... and it would be a challenge for him to share it. Perhaps it would be worth it. 

He shook his head uncomfortably, glancing at the spot where James Potter had stood not too long ago. A few steps to his right was the exam room where Lily had taken advantage of him and also seemingly broken up with him at one point. This place didn't feel safe. "Yes, but not here," he said finally. 

When they apparated back to his chambers at Hogwarts, Severus felt odd having her in his space again. Just that morning they'd shared his bed and now, they felt more like strangers getting to know each other. He removed his cloak and draped it over the back of a large chair near the fireplace. Severus Snape was not a big drinker, but this called for something strong (maybe James had the right idea.) He poured himself a drink out of a green glass bottle and downed it immediately before nodding to Lily as he took a seat, "Help yourself." Woof. The alcohol warmed him immediately. Despite the sudden wave of relaxation that washed over him, he had to keep reminding himself that Lily wasn't going to leave. She was back at Hogwarts with him. They were going to talk. 

The redhead slipped off her shoes, an oddly intimate act, and sat on the small couch in the living area, adjacent to Severus' chair. "Sev, will you tell me?" she asked softly after a moment of silence. 

"Yes," Severus said again. Absentmindedly, he flicked his wand at the first place which quickly burst into flames. He watched it in quiet thought. "You left. You married James. Started a life, a business. For me, everything stayed the same," he told her simply. "I stayed here because this is the only real home I've ever known. I learned from Slughorn, then took over for him last year. Is that what you wanted to know?" 

When Lily slipped off of the couch and sat by his feet, staring up at him intently, Severus' breath hitched in his throat. She shook her head. 

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes against an impending headache. "It's been.. lonely," he managed through gritted teeth. 

"Hasn't there been anyone--" 

"You know there hasn't. Remember? You asked me that, in a roundabout way, when you first came back to Hogwarts," he said bitterly, referring to the physical that had started them down this path. "Are you sexually active? When was the last time you had sex?" he recited coldly, settling his dark eyes on hers again. "Did you find that humorous? Or was it just the confirmation that you needed? There's only ever been you." 

Realizing just how selfish she'd been, Lily's mouth went dry; his answers to those questions _had_ made her feel better at the time. "A-and with Dumbledore..." she started, trying desperately to shift gears. "Why did you agree to..?" 

"Why wouldn't I? I figured I owed it to him for everything he had done for me.. and if I did my part correctly, perhaps I could save some innocent people. If I didn't, well, what else did I have to live for at that point?"


	25. Chapter 25

"A lot," Lily argued suddenly, kneeling in front of him so that she could look him in the eye. "The world needs Severus Snape," she told him seriously. "And he doesn't need to be a martyr to have value." 

"That's quite the departure from what you thought of me earlier." Severus' gaze was cold and hard. "And the way you behaved towards me in our final years of school. You shut me out." 

"I thought you were following in Lucius' footsteps. I didn't know, Sev, I didn't know you'd turned them down.." 

Severue gritted his teeth. "You never asked." 

It was quiet for a few long moments as they both watched the crackling flames of the fireplace. It seemed like an eternity before a voice broke the silence, but there was something comforting about sitting there, warm and quiet and unrushed in their conversation. 

"I'm sorry." 

"Why?" 

"I abandoned you," Lily confessed, still staring at the dancing fire. "I listened to rumors instead of asking you for the truth, though you would've given it to me easily. I let the opinions and misconceptions of others influence my feelings about you. I was foolish and afraid; I knew even then that... that I had feelings for you beyond friendship, but I thought I _had to_ be with someone like James, so I lied to myself. To him. To you. And when we saw each other again, all of that came back to me. I didn't know how to process it, so I used you... and took what bits and pieces you'd let me. But you've always given me more than I deserved." A shuddering sigh left her slender frame. "I never noticed your Dark Mark, so I assumed.. I'm not sure what I assumed actually. I suppose I blocked that out whenever we were together, but then James called you a Death Eater and... all of my fears from school came rushing back. I was so scared that he'd been _right_ all along. I've spent years believing him instead of just asking you or... or just thinking for myself. Gods, Sev, I don't know how I could even ask you to forgive me.. _I_ wouldn't forgive me... but I'm so sorry."


	26. Chapter 26

Severus was speechless, having never thought he'd hear those words from her. It wasn't clear whether it was the fault of the alcohol or Lily's sudden understanding and apology, but his head spun. What could he say in response to such a tremendous realization? 'I forgive you' felt too simple and as he mulled those words over, he wondered if he was ready to forgive her. That was a big step. 

Even if he did, what was next? James had admitted that he wouldn't let go of her easily. Lily knew that Severus was a spy. James knew that Severus was a Death Eater. Dumbledore was clearly keeping tabs on the whole situation somehow; perhaps out of sheer concern for Severus' mental state, but more likely because he knew fraternizing with a member of the Order, as an undercover Death Eater, could really put a wrench in things. All of the additional complications aside, he _wanted_ to forgive her, wanted for their relationship to begin again with a foundation of understanding. 

He rubbed his eyes tiredly and realized that they'd been welling up with tears. A trembling sigh escaped him. "I forgive you," he said finally. 

The words hung in the air for what felt like an eternity, the pair staring at each other in the almost-dark. 

"Sev," Lily sighed in relief. She placed a gentle hand on his leg, hoping she wasn't crossing any boundaries. When he took her hand in one of his, she smiled a little. "What can I do? How can I even begin to fix this?" 

"Stay at Hogwarts," Severus said seriously. Before Lily could protest, he added, "I know you have patients, but you need to cancel.. er, reschedule. It's much safer for you to be here than at your office... especially now that James isn't our only concern." _Just stay where I can find you._ He released her hand and stood, then walked to his writing desk quickly to jot down a note, which he then passed off to his owl. It was late, but he needed to keep the headmaster in the loop. 

Meanwhile, Lily remained sitting on the floor by the fire. 

"I'll speak to Dumbledore tomorrow," he told her as he finished his task. "For now, just stay. Please. It's safe here. I'm sure you'll find plenty to do..." he commented, musing on how Lily might fill multiple days trapped in the castle or on the grounds. "You could even give a guest lecture in my classroom about potions in healing, if you're feeling particularly bored." Then he realized that would involve her being in his classroom _during_ lessons and he swallowed hard. "Hm." 

"There's a thought," Lily laughed softly, twisting the edge of her robes between her fingertips. She glanced back at Severus from her spot on the floor. "What can I do _now?_ What do you need?" 

Severus ran a hand nervously through his hair. "I need to know you won't vanish on me again," he said honestly, many of his thoughts still preoccupied with that fear. He wasn't sure how Lily could satisfy that need immediately; it would take time to rebuild that trust. Then, he said awkwardly, "And I need to bathe." It was an odd comment, sure, but showering often was a habit he'd picked up in response to James' relentless bullying (specifically comments about his hygiene) and going to bed without showering was unacceptable, no matter how tired he was. It had become a ritual for him. 

"Bathe... alright," Lily nodded, unsure of how she fit into the equation. She didn't want to overstep and leave Severus feeling like she was just trying to get in his pants again. No, she wanted to comfort and reassure him, but it wasn't entirely clear how she should do that from here. "I'll wait for you, Sev. I'll be here." 

He sighed, not moving from his spot. 

"Sev?" 

"Will you come with me?"


	27. Chapter 27

The private bathroom attached to Severus' chambers was nicer than one would think. It was large, almost half of it made up of open shower with stone walls. Inside of the shower was a ledge with various glass containers of shampoo, conditioner, and body soap. There was one shower head coming from the side wall and another larger one that stuck out of the ceiling; its size and shape suggested that it created a rainfall effect. The shower also had a stone bench built into one of the side walls. 

The rest of the bathroom had the usual accessories: a oval mirror with an intricate frame, sconces that kept the room bathed in a soft glow, a sink, toilet, hamper, and rack that stored clean, black towels which were neatly folded and stacked. 

They entered the bathroom in silence and Severus shrugged out of his jacket which he'd been unbuttoning during their transition. He set it on top of the hamper, then mindlessly moved to undo the buttons of his shirt. Lily placed a soft hand over his. "Can I?" Though his jaw clenched uncomfortably, he nodded, and the witch resumed his work. Each button exposed a few new inches of his chest and Lily smiled as she undressed him further. Sure, they'd showered together before and been naked together on several occasions now, but she had never taken the time to appreciate him like this; unlike before, there was no rush and no ulterior motive. It was clear then how much she'd glossed over in her hurry. Young Severus Snape had been scrawny and thin, but _this_ man was lean and muscled. His pecs were hard, dusted with dark hair that trailed down his abdomen and disappeared into his waistband. Once his shirt was undone, Lily pushed it off his shoulders, savoring the feeling of his newly bare flesh against her fingertips. She pressed a soft kiss to his chest before undoing his belt. 

A chill coursed through Severus' body. He watched her curiously as she undid his pants, then stepped out of them awkwardly. His breath hitched in his throat when his boxers followed. His prick, still substantial even in its half-erect state, hung heavily between his thighs, surrounded by dark public hair that was kept short and neat. Somehow he felt more exposed than he had with her in the past; now she really knew everything.

Once he was completely naked, a satisfied smile crossed Lily's lips. She pulled her wand out of her pocket and flicked it at the shower, which started running and filled the bathroom with steam almost immediately. "Go on," she told him softly. "I'll be right in." 

The hot water felt good, cleansing in a way; Severus stood under it for a long while, letting it beat down on his body and soak his dark locks until they were plastered to his neck and shoulders. It felt so good, in fact, that he didn't even notice Lily joining him until she was rubbing her soaped-up hands along his back.


	28. Chapter 28

After brushing his hair over one shoulder, Lily scrubbed his back from shoulders to ass, then washed his legs lovingly. When she stepped around him to wash the front of his body, she reached up to push a few strands of hair from his face and look him in the eyes. There was something.. beautiful.. about seeing him like this, transparent and raw. She wanted to kiss him, but instead she just grabbed some more soap and went to work on his chest. 

There was no rush as she worked her way down his body, running her fingers over his abdominal muscles, massaging his arms (even the one with the Dark Mark), and even soaping up his most intimate areas. Her touch was gentle, sweet, and attentive. 

"Why are you doing this?" Severus finally asked, watching her lather up his thighs. She kneaded them lightly as she did so and he sighed a little, willing his body to relax under her touch. It felt like he was being worshipped and that was an odd, uncomfortable sensation. 

"Because I love you," she replied matter-of-factly. "Now sit down," she continued, gesturing to the bench on the wall, "so I can wash your hair."


	29. Chapter 29

Stunned, Severus allowed himself to be led to the bench and sat down. Neither of them spoke as Lily squirted shampoo into her hands and kneeled on the bench behind him, lathering up his onyx locks. Her deft fingers massaged his scalp and ensured no strand of hair went unwashed. 

When the wizard finally choked out a soft, "What did you say?" Lily didn't miss a beat: 

"I love you, Sev." 

Once he was sufficiently scrubbed down and lathered up, Lily guided him back under the water and helped him rinse off. Then she cupped his cheeks and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before telling his still-shocked self, "You can get out if you're ready. I'm going to wash up, then I'll be with you again, okay?" 

"Okay." 

After drying off his hair and body, Severus wrapped the towel around his waist, then brushed his teeth. He could see the reflection of Lily showering as he brushed in front of the mirror. He watched as she washed her body and her own hair with none of the loving tenderness that she'd shown him moments before. He placed his toothbrush back in the holder and smiled when he realized Lily's was already living there, too, then went to get dressed. 

Halfway out of the bathroom, though, he ducked his head back in, "Lily, are you su--" 

"Yes!"


	30. Chapter 30

It was late when they finally dressed and crawled into bed together. That night, Severus slept the best he had in a long time despite the bumpy road they had ahead of them. There was so much for them to face together, but Lily loved him, and that would be enough to get them through anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of part 4. Working on part 5.


End file.
